Being compared to a piece of fruit is growing old. Realistically, who has ever seen a person remotely resembling one of your five a day (apart from Piers Morgan who looks remarkably like a butternut squash)? So forget Trinny and Susannah, we have developed our own, alternative list of body types.
See, what we need are some fresh and exciting new shapes that we can compare ourselves to, whilst also being realistic about their personality traits and resemblance to us. Allow me to channel my inner Gok Wan and demonstrate, gurrlfren'.
- The Croissant
First up, we have decided on The Croissant. Your body is shaped like a crescent moon. Its texture is like pastry, and is an absolute nightmare to moisturise. You have strange folds at the top and bottom ends of your body – a birth defect that you’ve learned to adapt to and to overcome its challenges.
Your curves are to die for, people constantly stop you in the street and ask what your gym workout consists of. You have a strong affiliation with the French and enjoy being dipped in hot chocolate. Thirty seconds in the microwave/sauna warms you up inside and out, a delight on a cold winter’s day. You should avoid thin stripes and flaunt your gorgeous, uniquely shaped legs. But watch out for flaky skin.
- The Werther’s Original
If you’re a classic Werther's Original, then your style is a little more mature. You may be getting older but this is NOT a bad thing. Everyone has to grow old at some point, and this does not need to put a halt to your active lifestyle.
Sporting a year-long tan, you are very close to your friends, often travelling in packs of ten or more. You’ve got a tough exterior, and it takes a lot to crack your otherwise calm demeanour. A firm favourite with elderly gentlemen, you attract their attention and enjoy being complimented about your appearance. You’re very health-conscious, often running marathons and no stranger to wearing a foil jacket afterwards. Avoid beige, plain colours, as they will drown you out. Don’t be afraid to experiment with floral patterns, multi-colours and crinkly materials.
- The After Eight
Rarely seen during the day, this body type is a big fan of dark colours. Your body is quite flat and boyish, in the sense that it is completely 2-D. This can be used to your advantage. Most curvy girls would die for your enviable figure, so flaunt it.
But there is one thing that you'll need to avoid – stripes! They are your worst enemy as you have quite a wide body (4cm precisely) and stripes will accentuate that. And think about abandoning those dark colours, isn't it about time for a change? Be bold - try using block colours and adding a few glamorous accessories on nights out. And don't forget to wear a watch, or ideally cart an aul clock around with you to balance you out.
- The Curly Wurly
Often referred to as the ‘pylon’, you are very tall and have enviously long limbs. You have darker toned skin and are most at ease when wrapped up in something long and comfortable. You enjoy the sweeter things in life, but never seem to gain a pound. Despite tailored exercises, you struggle to achieve any real curves or variation to your body – accept it and move on. Cheryl Cole is a big fan of yours. You tend to avoid the sun, not because of hang-ups about your body, mostly because you will literally melt. Avoid criss-cross designs and don’t be afraid to show a little skin.
So there you have it - our suggestions for new and alternative body shapes. Now, these four are not a definitive list - we may add to them as we go along. Depending on what we find in our fridge.
Which one of these alternative body types are you?! Would you like to add any more to the list? Or will you be sticking with the holy trinity of Gok, Trinny and Susannah (Gorinnannah)? Tell us in the comments!