'All discarded lovers should be given a second chance. But with someone else' are wise words from Mae West.
See, when it comes to break ups, ol' Mae knew a thing or two. When you part ways with your erstwhile other half, you'll probably be sad for a little while and eat cake/drink too many cocktails/get a break up haircut/stick pins in a homemade voodoo doll. But there comes a time when you'll wipe the tears away and just put it behind you.
And like your granny says, time heals, blah blah. And you'll probably only see them down the local at Christmas anyway, or maybe their wedding photos to Gobnait from the cash 'n' carry (you KNEW there was something going on there) will pop up on your Facebook feed. And you might snarl a little, but really, you're over it.
So when this video surfaced after the Oscars, I literally felt the pain of a supermodel. And that's the one and only time in my life that will ever happen.
Let's set the cringy scene - Miranda Kerr was giving an interview at the Vanity Fair post-Oscars party. And mid-interview, in wanders her ex, Orlando Bloom.
Now, if you are going to bump into an ex, looking like Miranda Kerr and wearing that stunning gúna is a great way to start. But there is a moment in the clip when you can see her eyes clocking him and I swear I can sense an internal 'oh sheeeet' moment. Sure, they are in touch about their beautiful baba, but NO ONE wants to have that awkward ex-exchange in front of the eyes of the world.
And then there is the other type of ex. The ex-in law, if you like. The ex that actually, you should always be a little grateful to.
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I mean, someone else put in hours of work, training and grooming and now you are reaping the rewards of that toil. Now, obviously this works both ways. Dammit, I have put in some hard yards, turning Neanderthal Man into something a little more evolved. And now some other woman is enjoying the results of my 'domestication of a type of wild animal' type work.
So while bumping into your new partner's ex isn't exactly the highlight of anyone's day, it's often just a fleeting hello and shouldn't happen again for at least five years.
But not always. Spare a thought for Lauren Silverman, girlfriend of Simon Cowell, who is caught in the spinning vortex of Harry High Pants' ex-squeezes.
There is so much wrong with this photo that I am kind of at a loss about where to start. Should I begin with the belly button-hugging dennyums, the moobage that would be the envy of many smaller-chested women, the game of nips and tucks bingo that we could play with the pic?
No, the first thing that strikes me is how Ms Silverman shows the restraint of not strangling him with a dog lead. Yes darling, I know you had a baby just a few weeks ago, but my harem of ex-fiancées are going to hang out with us ALL the time now. And yes darling, I know you all look pretty interchangeable but the Lego Hair wants what the Lego Hair wants.
If I was Lauren, I think I'd be hitting my buzzer. The ex shouldn't always be a foe, but surely they shouldn't be your bestie either?
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Mezghan Hussainy, Terri Seymour, Sinitta, Lauren SIlverman - it's like playing Where's Simon's WallySo tell us, how do you feel about the Ex Factor? Are you friends with any of yours or do you believe it's best to leave those relationships in the past? And have you ever felt like poor old Lauren Silverman? Share with us in the comments!
