Have you ever been to a wedding and thought to yourself, “This needs to be stopped. These people’s special day needs to be ruined and I’M the only person for the job”?
Probably not, but if you ever DID find yourself in such a position, well WikiHow have got just the guide you need!
If you’re not familiar with WikiHow, it’s an online resource filled with user-submitted guides for things as genius as “How To Make Nutella Hot Chocolate” (eh, I’ll take four, please) and as ridiculous as “How To Rip Paper”.
But the one that recently caught the attention of many and went viral, is their “How To Stop A Wedding” feature, complete with handy safety guide-style illustrations.
We've all seen the movies where a person halts a wedding in progress in order to get back the one they truly love. In reality though, halting a wedding from going ahead - for any reason - is a very delicate situation that can easily backfire on you and spoil a significant day. If you believe you're justified in doing so, however, here are some suggestions for going about stopping a wedding with class and dignity.
Apparently, banging on a glass window and roaring “MRS ROBINSON!” or “MRS BOUVIER!”, depending on your pop culture references, is not actually the best way to go about it. So pay attention, because if you’re planning to disrupt George Clooney’s possible wedding or Kim and Kanye’s Day of Kommitment, here are some pointers.
The first method is to do it before the actual day of the wedding and to talk to the bride and groom in a calm and collected manner. Yep, nice 'n' relaxed now while you’re explaining to them that they’re making the biggest mistake of their lives. One of the steps is to “avoid dramatic scenes if possible”, because , sure, there’s NO way one or both of them will tell you to get the hell out their house.
Listen to what they have to say in reply to that. Recognize a lost cause when you see one. If you can see that the couple is truly happy, go your own way and wish them well.
Because you’ll never be invited to anything ever again.
However, if it comes to the actual day of the wedding, and you’ve got some disruptin’ and bride/groom-stealin’ to do, that’s where the advice gets unnervingly methodical.
Find a suitable place to wait. Do not allow yourself to be seated by the ushers. This increases the odds that you may be stuck in a bad part of the audience that will make it difficult for you to make your objection. If you have to, wait until everyone has been seated and the wedding is underway before you enter the foyer of the building.
So, steer clear of the ushers lest they rugby tackle you to the ground and wait until proceedings have gotten underway before you make your entrance. For MAXIMUM DRAMA.
When the reverend, marriage celebrant, or judge asks if anyone should object to the marriage, step forward between the first few rows of seats in the back of the room. Boldly but smoothly raise your hand and say, "I object."
However, if you’re not currently living in a Richard Curtis film, you might be in trouble because that part isn’t usually in real life weddings.
If he or she objects, quietly exit the room and walk away without making a scene.
BIT LATE FOR THAT.
Have a taxi waiting, or your car, ready to make a fast exit.
Then move to a different country and change your identity.
If you need to speak with your beloved, wait until after the honeymoon and send an email or text asking to meet up.
But don’t be super surprised if you never hear from them again and they’ve deleted you from every one of their contact lists.
But what if it DOES work out? What if the bride/groom look at your ceremony-ruining face with tears in their eyes and declare “You’re right! I’ve made a huge mistake! See ya losers!”
Have a get-away car prepared so that the bride or groom doesn't have to face the embarrassment of his or her friends and family.
Getaway cars are a must for every outcome, apparently.
They then urge you to “enjoy life with your new partner.”
Be aware, however, that you're never guaranteed a storybook ending. Someone who is likely to walk from a wedding may be afraid of commitment, and insecure in relationships. This could pose problems for your relationship.
So you may have gone through all that soul searching and enemy-making and car-renting for a flighty commitment-phobe.
There's also a few helpful warnings at the end of the article, my particular favourite one being:
Your 'beloved' may hate you.
Amazing. Now enjoy your shaky relationship!
Is this the oddest-yet-exceedingly-well-thought out guide that you've ever seen? Can there ever be an actually need for this how-to? Have you ever wanted to talk someone out of a wedding or relationship? Or has anyone ever tried to influence you and your choice of other half? Share with us in the comments (and have that car ready for a quick getaway in case it's necessary).