For eleven months of the year I pretend to have good taste in music.
I rummage through vinyls, I go to obscure gigs and my iPhone is continually on a go-slow because it is stuffed to the gills with albums - it literally can't take one more byte.
But come December, I develop the musical taste of Kath and Kim crossed with a five-year-old. Driving around with Brian Kennedy BLARING out the window? Yes, please. Shakin' Stevens warbling in a polo neck? That's the damn HIGHLIGHT of my night out.
And there are some new pretenders to the tinselled throne.
Autamata's "Liberty Bell" and Fleet Foxes' "White Winter Hymnal" are two gently festive tracks of the last few years, ideal for those of us who don't get irrationally excited about Cliff Richard walking along the beach in a long trench coat. (It's not that he was up to no good in the aforementioned trench, he was just skipping around the sand dunes and singing about "Saviour's Day". And that is totally normal.)
But the classics are the glue that hold this musical monstrosity of a season together. Mariah Carey has been pretty consistent in the totality of what she desires for the festive season, and no office party is complete without Janice from Marketing standing on a chair and drunkenly belting this one out.
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Avert your eyes if you are musically diabetic and can't handle the sickly sweet content.
And when those unmistakeable first few notes ring out, Shane MacGowan and Kirsty MacColl have reduced many an Irish emigrant to tears in their local O'Neill's, leaving them to sob amongst the faux-old sod memorabilia.
There have been novelty songs (Bo Selecta and "Proper Crimbo"), charity songs (Band Aid's "Do They Know it's Christmas" must be the ultimate) and the ones that added a few wind chime sounds to play the Christmas game, see East 17's "Stay Another Day" for reference. Staaaaaay noooooo-ooooow.
Every DJ worth his salt ('n' pepa) knows that there is one track guaranteed to make the crowd go wild. Let's show some love for the mullet and the terrible tracksuit, Wham! are the undisputed kings of this time of year.
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What is your favourite Christmas track? Which song will you be throwing on the sound system come Christmas morning? Obscure or classic, we want to hear about them all!
