They’re a standard item of clothing that go with pretty much everything, but do they go with you?
Often, the wrong gender, body types and even species are lured into a false sense of compatibility with this particular cut of jean. Luckily, I’ve compiled a go-to list of those who skinny jeans do not suit, which you can consult if you are ever in doubt.
Copy it, paste it, print it, laminate it and staple it to your forehead. This is your new bible.
- Ghosts
Spirits deserve to be fabulous, and I’m not talking about the sparkly bottle of Absolut Vodka that looks like a disco ball. Casper, you might be friendly, but you are also completely weightless. Skinny jeans will never flatter your body type because you have less mass than an Atheist community.
Please avoid the temptation to dress as a human on Halloween, you will only embarrass yourself. Floating from place to place requires comfort and mobility and trust me, skinny jeans will not allow you to haunt freely. I recommend a loose-fitting pair of combats. They’re very 1990, but you are a ghost, so nobody will notice.
- The Morbegs
If you are a Morbeg, skinny jeans are not right for you. Your body type is what can only be referred to as ‘big and awkward’ and this does not go hand-in-hand with the skinny-jeaned way of life. But don’t worry Molly and/or Rossa, the alternative fashion possibilities are endless.
Why not distract from your hideous body by wearing something other than striped socks on your head? I recommend block patterns and potentially branching out into cravats. You only live once!
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- Mermaids
Sorry Ariel, skinny jeans are not for you. Your enviable figure and constantly dry-although-underwater hair are something we would all die for, but you can’t have it all. Unfortunately, you were born with a fishtail (further disappointment, this fishtail was not in your hair), so mechanically, skinny jeans are not your friend.
Firstly, they require two legs. Secondly, they get incredibly tight when wet and this will lead to some discomfort and your strict father would be likely to disapprove. It’s not all bad news though, they’ve named a washing detergent after you.
- Kangaroos
It’s a well-known fact that kangaroos are extremely self-conscious about their thighs. If you are a kangaroo, I apologise, but I must discourage you from being tempted to flaunt your pins in a pair of skinny jeans. Logistically, there would be a lot of tailoring involved and your pouch would prove to be a nightmare to accommodate.
No disrespect Skippy, you carry your children expertly, but the skinny jean involves a tight waist and frankly, it might squash and subsequently suffocate your children. Try a denim waistcoat to accentuate your tanned and toned arms.
- Spiders
Apologies spidey, your compatibility with skinny jeans is about as likely as a new series of The Gilmore Girls. Aside from the fact that you will need to purchase four identical pairs at a time, there will be further costs incurred from alterations. Financially, skinny jeans will put you in the danger zone.
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And I hate to point out the obvious, but your short life expectancy must also be factored in. Generally speaking, you could be savagely murdered at any moment, so is it really worth paying attention to your appearance? My suggestion is to live life to the fullest (while you still can).
These are only some of the individuals that I would like to advise against wearing skinny jeans. Inevitably, there are more. Can you think of any? What piece of clothing just does not suit you? Leave a comment with your suggestions.
