The weekend is a perfect time to memorise André 3000’s rap from ‘Millionaire’ (feat. Kelis).
If you find yourself with a spare few hours after that, why not head into town and visit a higher end department store? It's the kind of place that’s enjoyable to visit every once in a while because you inexplicably feel quite important there. However, a trip like this can become an emotional roller coaster if you don't spot the signs quick enough. Here's what to look out for:
You've discovered that you need a minimum of one item that can only be retrieved in that store of all places. The trip is inevitable. You're beside yourself with excitement and anticipation. Think of all the delightful things that await. This visit could get your life back on track, fill that void that’s been missing in recent years and ultimately make you whole again. Or maybe an Atomic Kitten.
Things are looking up; the future is wrapped up with a little ribbon on top. You put a little more effort than usual into your hair, makeup and outfit before going shopping and that's fine. You might even treat yourself by driving into town and using extortionate car parking facilities because you are Kim Kardashian today.
You're pounding the path to the doors like a woman on a mission. The side door entrance isn't good enough today, you need the royal treatment. And as the blast of warm air conditioning hits you, instantly you're overcome with emotion.
The air has blasted away every ounce of self-confidence you so carefully acquired by singing along to Kelis on the way into town. Where do you go first? Will they have what you're looking for? Have the prices increased from expensive to unfathomable? Have the security men identified you as a potential threat? Why have they rearranged the entire shop? Are those real fish in that fish tank? Better assure the security men you're not suspicious by smiling and saying hello, then confidently whizzing past. Nailed it.
As you stroll around, stress sets in. The sales staff are immaculately dressed, their make up is flawless and they all appear to have their lives in order. Highly unlikely they had Nutella on toast for breakfast like you did.
The staff are overly helpful. At least four will offer you a spray of perfume or complimentary makeover, causing you to question your hygiene and accuracy of liquid eyeliner flicks. You feel as though you're standing out like a nun at an Ann Summers party. And the security men are definitely following you, so you put on a bit of a show to assure them you're not a threat by picking up handbags that cost more than your BA in Arts, nodding satisfactorily at their price, fake considering the purchase then casually putting them down.
Really you should have a BA in Drama because your acting skills are DiCaprio standard.
What are you doing here? Why did you wear those jeans, they've been washed six times and still manage to turn your legs navy. The staff know. They can smell the cheaper label. You don't belong here. Just leave.
No, stick with it. All you need is a bottle of foundation from that fancy stand and then you can leave with your off-navy tail between your legs. Ugh, look at that queue. Look at all those prices! Your taste is Lobster Thermidor but your budget is spice bag. Life is so unfair!
This isn't the place for you. You don't fit in here. It's another world and sadly you'll never be part of it. Take the twelve escalators to the top floor, treat yourself to a Pistachio Macaroon and sulk your way out the door. Might as well use the toilets for the free hand cream because it smells delicious and they owe you at least that after the emotional turmoil that's just been inflicted upon you.
Don't you DARE spill a crumb on their perfectly shampooed carpets either.
What's your experience like in high-end department stores like it? Have you experienced any of these emotions? Do you feel as though you stand out like a sore thumb or is it just us?