Let me start by saying that I am not a stalker.
Yes, I do own a trench coat but I always wear something inside it. And the goggles in my possession are of the swimming pool as opposed to the night vision variety.
And that thing with Tom Hardy was a misunderstanding. And that money was just resting in my account.
So it is with a clear conscience that I can proceed to tell you my tale of woe.
I have spent about ten years trying to find the perfect colourist. See, I am really picky about the tone of blonde that's in my hair. I can't wear silver tones, I look like a sickly naked mole rat. And I don't want to pay for that privilege.
So when I found someone who understood perfectly what I wanted and applied with the smoothest of techniques, I thought about attaching a microchip to his neck but reckoned this would get me barred from the salon, thus negating the point of the dubious action. Well, wasn't I foolish one to listen to that rationale.
I went back to the salon two weeks ago only to discover that He had left. My breath quickened, my heart dropped and I experienced what can only be described as feelings of abandonment. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I thought about creating a hashtag and tracking Him down on Twitter. Or buying those night vision goggles.
How could I trust my noggin to someone else? Isn't that what happened to Robert Pattinson and lookit, we all know what happened there?
There is a happy ending to this story. I have located my Streak Saviour. But now he works in a different salon to my stylist - the only stylist who can make my hair look voluminous and thick, as opposed to looking like a wet mop balanced on top go my head.
So now I am to go to two salons? Who has time for such things? And, I'm asking this for a friend, is kidnapping and locking people in my garden shed still considered illegal if it is for a really good reason?
Tell me that I am not alone in my stalker ways. Do you follow your stylist or colourist to their new salon or do you choose geographically?