I hurried into Loots* and began to browse a makeup stand.
"Can I help you" came a voice at my shoulder.
"Yes" I replied "I need some Triple Flair foundation* I think I'm a shade three, but I can't remember, it's been ages since I used this one. But I need some extra coverage so I think I'll get it."
"Oh no" said the Voice. "You're not a three. More like a five. Or a six even"
A five or a six? I was taken aback. Those colours were for people of a different racial origin and not for pasty pale types surely?
I turned to face The Voice fully. And in one second I understood.
She was bright orange. So heavily made up she looked older even though I reckoned she was in her early twenties.
"Bring your colour up with some darker powder." she insisted thrusting a compact at me in a shade akin to toffee. "You're going to look like a ghost in that number three."
"But that's the colour I am," I quailed.
"Yeah" she agreed "So you'll need a bit of six to give you some life"
"Would I not use some bronzer?" I queried.
"Of course. You'd need that as well. I'll put it on you so you can see."
The horror! Luckily another customer demanded attention at this point. I used the opportunity to seize a number three and hurry to the till. I had paid for it and was scuttling out of the shop by the time the Satsuma spotted me.
"Did you get sorted?" she called after me. I was in full retreat by this stage.
"Yes thank you," I replied wondering on what planet was she allowed to give such terrible advice to customers. Sales Assistants: orange is NOT a good colour for anyone. Match your foundation to your skin. The end.
* All names have been changed. I am morto for the brand in question.