If the name Dr. David Reuben doesn't mean anything to you, then the title of his bestselling 1969 book *Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)* might ring a bell or two, possibly because of the Woody Allen movie of the same name, which was based on it. Either way, get ready to become horrendously familiar with the work of the good (read: awful) doctor, as his sixties smash hit has got to be the most unintentionally hilarious, spectacularly offensive and most of all, hysterically misinformed thing you will ever encounter, bar NONE.
The book takes a question-and-answer format, and just to give you an idea as to the kind of content involved, here's his two cents when answering a question about when women can become pregnant: “... before, during or after menstruation. Lots of chaps who pay child support will testify to that.”
Lovely. But don't stop there, Dr. Reuben, do tell us what you think of menopausal women, won't you? "Having outlived their ovaries, [women] have outlived their usefulness as human beings.” He also describes them as "not really a man but no longer a functional woman". Well goodness me, don't those dried-up old wenches have some nerve calling themselves women when they can't even get knocked up anymore, eh Reuby? Now, you could argue that these particular quotes are all taken out of context, but I would LOVE to know what possible context could be constructed to excuse such MIND BLOWING contempt for half of the human race. He also recommends douching with Coca-Cola as a contraceptive measure, seeing as "a Coke contains carbonic acid which kills the sperm and sugar which explodes the sperm cells."
And here's me, taking the Pill for all these years like an IDIOT! Thanks Doc!
Q: Does the wife or girl friend have something to do with a man's impotence?
A: In many cases, she does.
Well thanks for clearing that up.
Now, as terrible as his view of women is, his opinions in the chapter about Male Homosexuality really are something else entirely. Apparently there's no chapter on female homosexuality and according to Wikipedia (not the most reliable of sources, I know, but I'm inclined to believe almost anything about this particular tome) the book makes the assertion "that all prostitutes are lesbians and all lesbians are prostitutes". Well that's totally reasonable...right?
Anyway, let's move on to the Reubster's explanations of the behaviour of those tricksy gays.
Q: What is male homosexuality?*
A: Male homosexuality is a condition in which men have a driving emotional and sexual interest in other men. Because of the anatomical and physiological limitations involved, there are some formidable obstacles to overcome. Most homosexuals look upon this as a challenge and approach it with ingenuity and boundless energy. In the process they often transform themselves into part-time women. They don women's clothes, wear makeup, adopt feminine mannerisms, and occasionally even try to rearrange their bodies along feminine lines.
Q: Couldn't homosexuals just be born that way?
A: A lot of homosexuals would like to think so. They prefer to consider their problem the equivalent of a club foot or birthmark; just something to struggle through life with.
A CLUB FOOT OR A BIRTHMARK. This man is a DOCTOR. For realz you guys.
Q: Can homosexuals change?
A: If a homosexual who wants to renounce homosexuality finds a psychiatrist who knows how to cure homosexuality, he has every chance of becoming a happy, well-adjusted, heterosexual.
Repent! Repent you fancy gay men, for there is no such being as a happy, well-adjusted homosexual!
Q: Isn't homosexuality kind of dangerous?
A: Homosexuals thrive on danger.
THRIVE on it, they do. They eat danger for breakfast, in fact. GAY DANGER.
Q: "S and M"? What does that mean?
A: Technically, sadist and masochist. Literally, trouble. Those who combine homosexuality with sadistic and masochistic aberrations are among the cruelest people who walk this earth. In ancient times they found employment as professional torturers and executioners. More recently they filled the ranks of Hitler's Gestapo and SS.
Nazi gays!* *The SS weren't well dressed by ACCIDENT you know.*
On The Village People
Q: What about masculine homosexuals?
A: Homosexuals have a tendency to overdo this sort of thing. There never was a man more manly than a butch. Butches lean heavily toward masculine trappings such as leather motorcycle jackets, tight pants of coarse material, super-masculine shirts, heavy boots, and other exaggerations of men's wear.
I think he's basing his entire knowledge of the gay community on the appearance of the biker dude from The Village People.
On telling the difference
Q: Don't a lot of heterosexual men dress the same way today?
A: Yes and no. [...] It is the exaggeration that gives them away. Two men may wear what superficially appears to be the same shirt; the homosexual's is just a little tighter, a little brighter, just a little more.
Tighter, brighter, more!* *Someone PLEASE use this as a tagline for ANYTHING.
Q: Aren't homosexuals afraid of being arrested?
A: Maybe they should be, but they aren't. Lack of fear of the consequences is one of the puzzling characteristics of homosexual behavior. [...] Homosexuals have a compulsion to flaunt their sex in public. A public washroom is frequently their stage. Bus stations, parks, bowling alleys, are haunted by gay guys.
*HAUNTED. BY. GAY GUYS. *dies laughing** *Oh Reuby, you're a CARD.*
Q: But all homosexuals aren't like that, are they?
A: Unfortunately, they are just like that.
*Well then. CASE CLOSED.*
Homosexuals have their own language
Rueben helpfully translates some of the need to know lingo. The list reads like a menu. Here are a few:
Fishwife: a male homosexual's real wife
Seafood: a homosexual sailor
Chicken: young homosexual
Other homosexual expressions come right from the vocabulary of the heterosexual prostitute with whom gay guys have a lot in common.
Excuse me? I don't even...WHAT?
Do: suck a penis
Nelly: effeminate homosexual
Auntie: an aging homosexual
Fag Hag: a woman who is attracted to male homosexuals
Wrinkle-Room: gay bar frequented by aging homosexuals
I could actually go on about this book all day long. But for now, I'll leave you with this:
Q: Why do so many homosexual expressions refer to food?
A: Food seems to have a mysterious fascination for homosexuals. Many of the world's greatest chefs have been homosexuals. Some of the country's best restaurants are run by homosexuals. Some of the fattest people in the world are homosexuals.
Now, who else wants to track him down and deliver a big gay kick in the crotch?
(30 million copies of this book have been sold worldwide and it was revised and reprinted in 2000. But not revised enough by the sound of things. As soon as we get our hands on a copy we'll let you know what you've been doing wrong in the bedroom. Unbelievably, this i the best selling sex guide ever produced and is available to buy on Amazon. Read the reviews there too, they're very enlightening.)