Oh, the post I was going to write for you today.
It was going to be a post that generations would talk about for years to come. It would have been the length of Tolstoy's 'War And Peace', as complex as Joyce's 'Ulysses' and as critically acclaimed as Salinger's 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
One Direction would have sung about the Best Post Ever and their little woolly heads of hair would've stood on end in shock and awe.
Oh, yes, the post I was going to write for you today.
But it was just not to be.
Instead of sitting at my laptop, quill in one hand and mouse in the other, I am rolled up like a giant hedgehog. I have a hot water bottle in one paw and the other is clenched into a fist and I am shaking it at the sky.
For I am afflicted with The Cramps. I feel like my insides are being squashed by a hundred devils. I want to make a nurofen sandwich and eat it under my duvet. I am demanding a meeting with Mama Nature - listen, wench, just send me an email saying 'Whey hey, you're not pregnant, have a glass of wine on me. Talk to you next month, kid'.
That would be sufficient instead of this sensation that my internal organs are being ground through a food processor.
Nine out of ten women suffer with period cramps to some degree, and we all have our ways of managing the pain. Heat packs, gentle walks, nurofen and rest are my rectangle of comforts for those times when I need something more than chocolate and hot, crunchy chips.
So what are your go-to cures for the cruel cramps? Are you one of the women that swears by something like Buscopan? Or maybe you have a secret solution that will help us all?
And if so, well, maybe this is the post I was supposed to write for you today. To the comments!